I am NOT psychologically depressive - I'm quite a happy person, really. I'm feeling rather relaxed after a tense hour and a half bobbing up and down in water as I attempted to play water-polo. Anatomy classes tomorrow are greatly looked forward to.
For those who wish to look at me in the same light they always have - read the post prior to this ('Arteries and Veins', below).
Otherwise, read on.
Dear All,
First of all - I apologise for sounding pretentious. I often forget that the world does not revolve around me - 'time and tide wait for no man.' Indeed.
Secondly - this is just me thinking out loud, in print. It's inherently selfish, but I'm coming clean. I hide a lot of things and this isn't always a good thing. I think I have a slight 'multiple-personality' thing going here, but while I'm still in this lucid (or not-so-lucid, as it may seem later) phase, I ought to shed what light I can on the truth.
I hurt easily, but I recover slowly - a mass of fibrotic tissue that gives me a false tough exterior. People don't like me because of it - how else (besides looks/snobbishness/false pretenses/etc) do you explain my lack of a girlfriend at the age of 19? Read on.
I don't like revealing much about myself - I have seen it as a sign of weakness; revealing too much exposes potential weaknesses. A 'cover-up' has seemed best. That's not necessarily true; the truly strong are able to face their faults and amend their shortcomings. I resolve to do this. I hope this little self-review will works, since I'm so incredibly blind/deaf to peer-review.
I compensate for my inadequacies by blaring my achievements, at least to myself. I have therefore seemed somewhat overbearing and may undermine the efforts of others to communicate with me. I am not a good communicator in general.
I expose my own faults in order to gain sympathy for myself. Note the overuse of 'I' - I'm rather selfish - you may/may not have noticed, but I do tend to push my own agenda through any possible means. I am willing to give in on many, many accounts - but when I have an interest at stake/if something is dear to me, I will kill to get my piece of the pie. No holds-barred.
I might seem affable/genial at times - it's probably a front. Shock or not, if I can't stand something I'm often so tight-lipped I'll gladly oblige them and complain behind their back in secret coded-messages in my blog. A lot of stuff remains unwritten, because while I'm writing entries I'm blasting that person/issue in my mind - little pseudo-hints in the blog just trigger that memory - 'catharsis' I often call it. It's probably not very good for me.
I need to be more open and less angry. Somehow. I need to hate less and love more. I need to keep my last shreds of humanity and genuine - I mean GENUINE! GENUINE! GENUINE! concern, close to the very core of my being. I need to see people for who they are and I resolve to be the same Jason I once was - the same, less dispassionate, less privately-opinionated-but-publicly-facetious snob. I will be less aloof and more caring. I have used ruthlessness like a rusty dagger and I must now clean that blade, resheathe that awful weapon and just BE MYSELF. That crate of bottled-up emotions is going to be smashed inside.
Those ounces of 'wrong' against me have been repaid with tonnes of malice on my part. I carry a terrible terrible load that I can't really write about here - I cannot, unfortunately bring myself to put it down - it's a bit like a clot in the brain - if you thrombolyse it, you risk haemorrhage - utterly fatal. That problem I shall carry to my grave, but why should I penalise myself for the sake of my 'problems'? They're probably imagined, built-up and over-analysed anyway. Some say 'get a grip, Jason' - to them, I reply - I think I have. I have indeed. I have not lost myself - I've found that part of me that's been slowly dying this past half-decade - I'm becoming honest with myself again.
By the way - I don't know why I'm saying this - please, please, please - if you ever think of doing anything - just make sure you do the right thing and cherish your life for it is of a worth beyond all measure. Just live. Just live. Just live - it's not easy, it's not simple, but it's worth it.
Sincerely,
JH
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4 comments:
Terrible load, eh?
Slow inner death? Seek advice.
You should phone a friend.
Besides, you've got me curious about your big secret now. If you want to talk, you know where to find me.
OK
The best, and most introspective piece of writing from you I've read.
NP
hello compos mentis!
i have to say, your blog is really interesting to read and i especially like all your cool titles like arteries and veins, its very medically related. also your reference to thrombolysing a clot in the brain causing haemorrhage. does it actually cause a haemorrhage? surely if you had a clot occluding an artery it would proabbly be a good idea to use a clot buster! CLOT BUSTER! anyway this is the time of the message when i would ramble on about PSA but i'll save you the fun. anyway..... i think you should concentrate on all the fun stuff in life like things you enjoy besides medicine such as eating lots of food! food is good and it makes me happy! especially when its fried and crispy! (fish and chips with tartar sauce/ketchup) also sweet things also are quite nice so if you head off to millie's in the hammersmith mall you can probably get hold of some of them! i think they have this really good deal on where if you buy a muffin you get a free cup of hot chocolate/coffee/beverage. so you can get more in life, for LESS! it seems like im doing an ad.
anyway if you would like to talk to someone about your problemos, you can always talk to me.... i am anonymous!
Hi there - thanks for the comments. I'm just wondering who posted the last comment - please do leave a clue. Email me - jason.ho@imperial.ac.uk - I'm dying to know. Thanks anyway and, as Ali G would say - keep it real. A toast to those who care! Cheers!
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