Let it all be over. Over. Now. Please.
I don't want to ask why
You had to lie and I had to try
To stop the sighs
Because the lies
Make me want to die.
Set that to music; cello music. Play the dirge and let them sing, toll the bells - let them ring - the knell won't tell, heaven or hell but you and I know - we reapeth what we sow....
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Primary end-point
'An Inspector Calls' was great fun, as was the party at Purple. Thanks, chaps - great evening and I didn't really know how badly I 'danced' until then...
Chocolate-covered-Sauternes wine-raisins...absolutely delicious.
I didn't realise it until today when I went to collect a few items from the deserted dressing room and I almost can't believe it's over - but, as with all things, one finds oneself moving so fast just to stand still...work rushes on and life drives by in a whirl that you can't stop. A spinning mega-vortex.
Just remember this: Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
Chocolate-covered-Sauternes wine-raisins...absolutely delicious.
I didn't realise it until today when I went to collect a few items from the deserted dressing room and I almost can't believe it's over - but, as with all things, one finds oneself moving so fast just to stand still...work rushes on and life drives by in a whirl that you can't stop. A spinning mega-vortex.
Just remember this: Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Wish
Tonight is opening night for 'An Inspector Calls' - looking forward to it very much.
Now, on to the main surtext: What to do if you are miserable, in a rut and can't dig yourself out of it. Speaking from personal experience (no, I'm not dead, but I think it helps to think things through - try to reach a sensible outcome).
Do you ever wish that you could go to bed and die in your sleep - not in a horrible manner - asphyxiation - but rather to just go to bed and have a sudden massive cerebral haemorrhage so that tomorrow morning you don't wake up...? Being able to make that wish means you have to be complacent enough to believe that you'll wake up tomorrow, confident enough that you won't die in any other way and pessimistic enough to feel that it's the only way out. Lying there, with the duvet over you, snug and soundly asleep...then bang - life's over and that's it. No more worries. No more problems. No more. None. Nothing. Sure, you won't have the *happy times* but at least you won't have to deal with the inevitable...the looming... it'll all be over and even though you know that you've selfishly taken the cop-out method and left a nasty mess for somebody else to clear up - it won't matter...because you won't be around...as I said before - it'll all be over. Once and for all. Bingo.
The drawback - you have to say goodbye to those you love.
NB - I do NOT advocate suicide. It's bad for you and shows that you're...well... weak and confused and you need help.
I suppose, though, as I head to bed that right now, that a haemorrhage wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least if a lovely big one came along to finish me off quickly (and, hopefully completely painlessly) I wouldn't even have to think about it...oh bliss. Bliss. Bliss. To not have to wake up to face another dreadful day that drags me closer to my grave anyway - utter bliss.
That's pretty bad. I've even lost confidence in being able to tell when I'm trying not to exaggerate...sheesh.
Now, on to the main surtext: What to do if you are miserable, in a rut and can't dig yourself out of it. Speaking from personal experience (no, I'm not dead, but I think it helps to think things through - try to reach a sensible outcome).
Do you ever wish that you could go to bed and die in your sleep - not in a horrible manner - asphyxiation - but rather to just go to bed and have a sudden massive cerebral haemorrhage so that tomorrow morning you don't wake up...? Being able to make that wish means you have to be complacent enough to believe that you'll wake up tomorrow, confident enough that you won't die in any other way and pessimistic enough to feel that it's the only way out. Lying there, with the duvet over you, snug and soundly asleep...then bang - life's over and that's it. No more worries. No more problems. No more. None. Nothing. Sure, you won't have the *happy times* but at least you won't have to deal with the inevitable...the looming... it'll all be over and even though you know that you've selfishly taken the cop-out method and left a nasty mess for somebody else to clear up - it won't matter...because you won't be around...as I said before - it'll all be over. Once and for all. Bingo.
The drawback - you have to say goodbye to those you love.
NB - I do NOT advocate suicide. It's bad for you and shows that you're...well... weak and confused and you need help.
I suppose, though, as I head to bed that right now, that a haemorrhage wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least if a lovely big one came along to finish me off quickly (and, hopefully completely painlessly) I wouldn't even have to think about it...oh bliss. Bliss. Bliss. To not have to wake up to face another dreadful day that drags me closer to my grave anyway - utter bliss.
That's pretty bad. I've even lost confidence in being able to tell when I'm trying not to exaggerate...sheesh.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Nadir
1st Man: The wonderful thing about sinking to the lower depths of depression is...that it can't get any worse.
2nd Man: You're forgetting that there are different kinds of inflexion points...remember the curve of y = negative x-cubed? A temporary blip at zero before plummeting even further.
1st Man: Oh. Terrific.
2nd Man: Yeah, I know.
1st Man: Tomorrow's another day, another chance to see the world at play, to play a part and try not to say 'I wish it didn't have to be this way.'
2nd Man: Yesterday was today's regret, the soulless shell you can't forget; just as tonight dies to let another day slip through the net.
2nd Man: You're forgetting that there are different kinds of inflexion points...remember the curve of y = negative x-cubed? A temporary blip at zero before plummeting even further.
1st Man: Oh. Terrific.
2nd Man: Yeah, I know.
1st Man: Tomorrow's another day, another chance to see the world at play, to play a part and try not to say 'I wish it didn't have to be this way.'
2nd Man: Yesterday was today's regret, the soulless shell you can't forget; just as tonight dies to let another day slip through the net.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Postoperative Mortality
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Why put yourself through the intense pressure of something you can't get out of, something you dislike so intensely with your entire being that you want it to emerge in physical form so you can assault it, stab it, murder it in cold blood? Why force yourself to fight a battle you can't win, day after day, night after night - toiling just for the pleasure of others? I've never considered myself a hedonist, but this just goes far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. The worst nightmare - from which you can't awake. I hate it so much, so so so very much that I can't believe how much I want to get out. There is NO way out. None. None. None at all. I can't get out.
Why put yourself through the intense pressure of something you can't get out of, something you dislike so intensely with your entire being that you want it to emerge in physical form so you can assault it, stab it, murder it in cold blood? Why force yourself to fight a battle you can't win, day after day, night after night - toiling just for the pleasure of others? I've never considered myself a hedonist, but this just goes far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. The worst nightmare - from which you can't awake. I hate it so much, so so so very much that I can't believe how much I want to get out. There is NO way out. None. None. None at all. I can't get out.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Learning to learn
What a difference a fortnight makes.
I'm wondering about the direction in which the medical profession will head...besides management overhauls, funding debates and ethical dilemmas, what about the two most important factors (in my opinion, anyway) - patient care and science? Will magic bullet cures eliminate the need for surgery and interventional therapies? What about gene therapy, stem cells and tissue engineering? More questions than answers at the moment...
Teaching is all about inspiration. You do as much good by downloading knowledge to students as you do by imparting an attitude that aspires to learn more. That said, you can't really blame them for being such a cynical lot...
I'm wondering about the direction in which the medical profession will head...besides management overhauls, funding debates and ethical dilemmas, what about the two most important factors (in my opinion, anyway) - patient care and science? Will magic bullet cures eliminate the need for surgery and interventional therapies? What about gene therapy, stem cells and tissue engineering? More questions than answers at the moment...
Teaching is all about inspiration. You do as much good by downloading knowledge to students as you do by imparting an attitude that aspires to learn more. That said, you can't really blame them for being such a cynical lot...
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