Nothing left, nothing right.

I am questioning my calling, waiting and watching, simply wondering what went wrong. Where did all the time go, how did I fall so low, staring at the past while the present fades away? Give me a second chance - just another day so that I can try to find my way home.
Subliminal messages are lost on me; I'm not sure I can 'read' people very well. It's only day two and I'm feeling the strain.
Plug on, plod on, take the strain, bear the yoke, feel the pain. Swallow the bitterness whole and wonder how it came to this. How can any higher purpose justify itself? How did Giancarlo Rastelli do it?

Half empty or half full?

Do you or don't you? Do I or don't I? I don't know, and neither should you.
The thread of life is thinning and I'm tying myself in knots.
Why can't happiness last? Where is it to be found? More questions than answers.

Unsafe and incompetent, lacking confidence and inappropriately compensating by walling up within a fortified encampment. Yep, a pretty good summary of life so far. Exams loom large, firms are in my face and those endless afternoons of pathology are going to seem like halcyon days once the derailed train of my life rumbles onwards to the dark tunnel of the future. What's at the other end? There is no other end. The train has been derailed and will crash and burn somewhere inside that dark, never-ending tunnel. The world outside will crumble but that won't matter because the passengers within know that their own fate is sealed within this tragic one-way locomotive ride to the far far beyond. Where is the escape? All those sidings and stations - where are they now? They are still there...for the next train...to heed the warnings of this miserable wreck of a human being - get out! Get out while you still can!

What do you do when you cannot get what you want? What do you say when those trivial pursuits of yours avoid the angler's bait and swim out of those carefully laid traps? When you retire to bed and lie in the stillness of the midnight air all you can feel is the cold hand of fate choking the life out of your dreams. You try to localise the sensation and it seems to move up the nape of your neck, up to the right pterion. Gnawing away. The Chinese description of 'eating bitterness' is very apt. You swallow your dose of bitterness and cough up a hairball of cynical, jaded bile.

Sequelae

So it begins. The terminal decline. Descent into darkness. Loss of innocence. End of days. No, not the events wracking the world around, however momentous they may be. I'm referring to the little world inside this coccoon of self-denial that threatens to unravel a tangled web of deceit. Summer rains are here but they only wash the pavements; the rumbling sound of thunder outside reminds me of the constant grumbling in my addled mind. How did I get myself into all of this?
More to the point - how do I get myself out?
Some problems are a bit like thrombi. They may resolve, embolise to affect other aspects of your life, or extend insidiously. Apart from dwelling on the aetiology of the thrombus it might be wiser to concentrate on managing the situation - although a thorough understanding of how the problem came to be would guide the appropriate course of investigation and treatment. I only hope it's not too late.