3 days to go... - Insecurity

3 days before I sign off forever, so it's time to write in earnest.
I think I'm a fundamentally insecure sort of person. I fear far too much and give too many second thoughts to what I derisively term 'face-value'...
Now for some crunchy stuff.
Banana = an 'overly-westernised' Chinese person.

It snowed this afternoon and I was stuck in a tutorial session on adverse drug reactions, glowering at the window as I prayed for those minuscule flakes to keep pouring down so I might dash outside and flounder like a foolish 19-year old in the mushy white pavement coating. It melted. I was too late. Perhaps some other time...
I still remember being 13, yelling "It's snowing! It's snowing!" to a bunch of terrified Americans during a Latin 'popquiz' long ago as I clambered atop my desk during a Massachussetts snowfall. Silly fool, Jason. A smiling, happy, innocent, silly fool. I remember Norman Wainwright passing me a couple of 'snow-seeds' as I tearfully left 55 Millfield St. Throw them in your back garden and snow will soothe your sorrows. Unfortunately:
1) I lost the 'snow-seeds'
2) Singapore with snow? A physical impossibility.
3) I completely forgot about them soon enough.
Then there was that wonderful day a couple of years ago at Westminster when we had an inch of snow - oh the joy of it all! I could just burst from the sheer happiness of the thought. A dusty white covering that gives the soul a nice clean covering, at least for a while. Lost in the winter joy. Few things can compare, even when your gloves are drenched and your old leather shoes sodden.

Insecurity again.
"You'd make a great Dad, Jason. You'd just confuse the living hell out of your kids with big words." Sarcasm? A compliment? A friendly jibe? Don't over-analyse, Jason - it's just an expression. If I take what people say with 100% confidence in their full earnestness - I'd be a lost case (possibly already am). Not to do so would imply lack of trust. Then again, why do I even care about this? There are so many other more important things to worry about...

What am I doing this summer? Exams? The play, which is next week? Boutonniere deformities? Home? Keeping up with the Joneses (everybody, really)? The adequacy/lack of/overdoing my dietary intake? Friends (or lack/mistrust thereof)?

Sometimes the sheer complications bog me down so much - I just long for that nice, happy time...that dreamy (probably non-existent) long ago - of naps, snacks, hugs and competing with my brother at card games. That's life - we can't have it all.
Then there are worries - the future - what does it hold? The more questions one asks, the less likely the answers are to satisfy. The pressure - it boils up, one procrastinates, time dwindles until we are a mere streak of our former selves as the sundial's shadow creeps towards the end we fear. Losing inspiration to 'get on with it' - the drive is fading. Strength, O Lord, strength and courage to endure!

I tell people that life is peachy. Red and inflamed, yes. Soft and juicy, no.
The mind is a network of jumbled thoughts - there is only one thing to do. Grit those teeth, grind that feeble enamel and steel ourselves for the night ahead. No other way. Enjoy every moment of it and just remember that the big, bad world is beautiful still.

Confusion reigns, Destiny calls, mindless pains will cease as night falls.
Remember - hope springs eternal. I hope.