Spudling says...

"huwlo. i yam jaysonassssssssss broter. Ay hayve deeslexyya. I aym meentally reetarded. pleaas harlp. Theyave lockerds me inn chaynes inn thee baysement."

Unfortunately the paragraph above was written by my slightly overweight, (sober) 15 year-old brother. He's less of a misanthrope than I am but is slightly more capable at first-person-shooter computer games. It's 1.48am right now and we've just had a little session playing 'Dawn of War' (a computer game). He ought to be sleeping but is actually rolling on his queen-sized bed moaning 'I'm hungry, I'm hungry!' despite having had four (rather large) meals today.

In two days we head for the sunny (= parched) lands of tropical Malaysia wherein over-enthusiastic relatives (with whom we aren't really on a first name basis due to the complexities of Chinese naming conventions - but that's another story) dwell in their little cosy habitations amidst the palm trees. There we shall embark on 24-hour rotations of watching DVDs, eating six to seven times a day and spending the remaining hours entertaining our (elderly) grandparents by regaling them with half-baked stories about how much fun it is to study, work, eat healthy (=bland) home-cooked food, save money and do homework. Hurrah.

You know, I thought that this holiday I might actually have the chance to do a couple of interesting things - perhaps before I hit the big 2-0. Alas - alas! I shall be over the hill before even seeing the summit. It pains me. No climbing a mountain and river rafting. No hiking in Slovenia. No escapade to the steppes of outer Mongolia. Argh. They were all on the cards and now I shall be sitting alone playing solitaire.

Hang on - my brother's rolling around again moaning - he wants to play 'CS' which I understand to be either 'Counterstrike' (a computer game) or Cowden Syndrome...poor child. He's started having fits now...I think a little shot of diazepam (valium) might help.

Oh well - it's nearly 2am. I think I should sleep.
Cheerio.