Wednesday, March 22, 2006

On a wing and a prayer

I have only myself to blame, I have a million people to thank.
I have a million obligations to fulfill, I have only one chance.
I have to concentrate while multi-tasking, I have to focus without blurring the bigger picture.
I have one life and a million ways to live it.

That is why ignorance is bliss. What about non-existence? Perhaps that's not even a valid question.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Litany

All or nothing, almost there.
Pity for the tired wayfarer, shelter for the weary.
Does dawn break over night's dark stillness?
Can the stale air drift away with the angry grey clouds?
The memory of things past falls away with the footsteps, we cling to them fervently until they almost dissolve into thin air.
Hope - remains. Hope for another chance, another day, another way to claw our way back to the happy golden hill on that far and distant shore, the coastline of faded memories.
Is all lost? Where did it perish - in which empty sea? The sea of emptiness can never be drained and its waters are bittersweet.
Bend over the edge and peer into the depths that mirror the hidden recesses of a fractured mind. Search for those lost longings and cling to them.
Once more into the breach, dear friends...

Monday, February 27, 2006

Almost home

There are some words whose meaning stretches far beyond the intended definition; such words provoke emotions and touch raw nerves that somehow seemed rather sclerosed on the surface but remained just as tender below. Some words are almost causalgic; they short circuit their regular meanings and take on new ones, opening the floodgates to memories that don't seem to fade with time - each time you polish away the dirt the memory seems to reflect your inner thoughts more vividly than ever before.

'Almost' is one of those words. When you 'almost' made the grade, 'almost' finished the task, 'almost' stopped the bullet. Almost - but not quite. Just not quite there. Never quite enough.

'Home' is another one that weighs on the mind heavily. Life is an adventure but home is where the heart is. Sometimes 'home' and 'the past' seem to get confused with each other, especially with the passage of time. I would give a king's ransom (if I had one to give) just to be able to re-live that once again. To sit cross-legged on a parquet wood floor gazing at the thunderclouds pouring heavy drops of rain as the afternoon wind blows. To smell the smell of home once again. The mere thought sends a tingle of ectopic beats slithering through me. Thing is - airline tickets aside - I don't have to pay for the privilege; somehow I'm paying to stay away. Is five years really such a long time? The clouded mind plays cruel tricks but it is no trick to be almost - but not quite - home.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo

I am shocked and appalled. Listening to doctors rant about having to meet ridiculous NHS 'targets' is one thing, reading about government learning targets for five year-olds is quite another. Terms like "foundation stage profile" are now in use.
Statistics claim that
52 per cent had not reached their "early learning goals". The Department for Education said that meant that they had "failed to achieve a good level of development" between the ages of three and five and this raised questions about their "future potential to enjoy and achieve".
Who pays people to come up with, enforce and compile statistics about such ridiculous 'targets' anyway?
Somebody ought to launch a common sense campaign...this is just going too far.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Something to be angry about

I'm a medical student.
Call me naive - but our little world would be much better off if governments had fewer lawyers/bureaucrats running them (yes, my long-running antipathy/downright hatred for all forms of 'bureaucracy') and more doctors or scientists calling the shots. What I am referring to, of course, ladies and gents, is TOBACCO smoking. It's sooooo very simple. Ban it. Ban it. Ban it. Blah blah blah freedom of expression blah blah blah. You don't allow people to sell ecstasy on the streets because it is a POISON. Likewise, smoking cigarettes is POISONOUS - to you, to others around you and to the environment. Sure - you could be pedantic and declaim conventional medicines as 'poisons' - what is a poison if not something given in a large enough dose for toxic side effects to overwhelm the body? By the same token, alcohol would thus be a 'poison' - but that's perfectly legal. Don't give me that pathetic excse. Your liver metabolises alcohol and detoxifies the products of metabolism, which you then proceed to excrete. Your lungs, on the other hand, are poisoned from the word 'go' the minute you take that first puff. No detox, not cool. Abuse of anything - medicines, fatty foods, alcohol - will make you sick and probably kill you, but they can all be enjoyed within moderation - even to excess, most of the time. Smoking one cigarette probably won't kill you - but smoke one a day, the same way you eat one caviar blini or drink one pint of beer - and you'll definitely mess something up - even if it's 'just bronchitis'...IT'S COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE!!! Alcohol isn't a PUBLIC HEALTH HAZARD (alright, drunks and cirrhosis aside) - banning alcohol won't make as big a difference as banning smoking.
In fact, there's only one way to stop this - law courts don't work (money talks); governments are in the pockets of big tobacco firms - tax revenue, jobs, etc - and smoking lobbies delude the 'free world' into trying to protect their freedoms. Rubbish. Nonsense. What's lacking here is COMMON SENSE. Burn a little stick of poison and breathe in the toxic fumes - poison yourself and fill your lungs with tar (I think you actually have to be quite STUPID to smoke - that too is a 'choice' - one that reflects a depressingly low level of good sense). Just don't fumigate those around you. So, why do I care so much if I'm just a selfish twit who doesn't like smoke blown in his face? Simple - I'm a medical student... patients who, when questioned reply that they smoked 50 cigarettes a day for 42 years are pretty much shifting the blame to the little sticks of poison. If they don't have the will to protect themselves, somebody has to destroy the incredibly intelligent profiteering murdererous manufacturers who hold the smoking world hostage (1 billion smokers...on earth). So - what are we to do? I'm going to keep it secret until I've finally set my little plan in motion...

I'm not motivated by pure altruism - those who know me can testify to my cold-blooded bile-spewing cerebrospinal-fluid-leaking antagonism of 'the great and the good' - but hear me now - it is just SICK and WRONG to sell people poison. "Here - smoke this - it'll make you feel better but will make you suffer and die!" This has got to stop.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Round 1b

BBC TWO, 8.30pm, Monday 16th January 2006.
ICSM vs Trinity Oxford.

Firms. Unpredictable.

Food needed.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Resolve

Smile more, be happier.
Be happier, live longer.
Live longer, smile more.

See Ekman.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Drams of mulled thoughts

Kisses tell, beauty fades,
All dreams are but passionate charades.
Reason fails, Hope's wells run dry,
Evening's wishes are morning's lie.
Never mind - I love you still.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

That dim and distant future

Well, the 7-weeks of torture have finally come to a crashing halt. A part of me survived - that die-hard never-say-never bit that shouldn't be left alone for too long.
Anyway - now this sounds awkward - I simply can't wait to get back to firms. Holidays a wonderful, splendid things and seem to be getting fewer and further between; getting to see one's family is a thing to be treasured. They arrived earlier in the evening, just as I was checking on the Mediterranean roast vegetables and Afghan lamb polo. A wonderfully almost-obsessively regimented round of banter didn't quite get to the question of WHERE to go for a short break. I usually return home for Christmas and I'm wonderfully chatty in the car on the way home from Changi airport; somehow that old, familiar element of leaving behind the term is lacking. Then again, the previously 'normal' eventual heartbreak of re-grafting oneself to a semi-independent state of near-self-reliance won't happen in the same way this time. I don't really know what I'm writing about - I'm just still so glad that the awful past is behind me and shan't catch up if I can do anything about it. It's time for mince pies and nothing is going to ruin that.
'The Constant Gardener' is a good film; certainly worth a watch. Don't be too harsh on the drug companies, though...anyway - can't wait for King Kong and Narnia.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Life's this game of inches

The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break in the game, every minute, every second....
...We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the fucking difference between winning and losing. Between livin' and dying. I'll tell you this in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die who's gonna win that inch , and I know that if I'm going to have any life anymore it's because I'm still willin to fight and die for that inch!

-Al Pacino, Any Given Sunday. Logan, J & Stone, O.

Nearly there

Give me strength - to finish.
To end. To finally bring this whole sorry episode to a close.
To go out with a bang. A big, big, big, big bang.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Dribble

It's time to stop when you begin watching Gordon Brown's pre-budget speech online. You should seek help when you find yourself listening to the Conservative rebuttals. However, it's too late when your mouse pointer hovers over the Lib Dem budget comments...

Friday, December 02, 2005

Innominate urge

Well, the longing has come rather early this year; I suppose it's because I shan't be returning until the summer. Just to place that order, "Satu kosong, satu telur" and slump into a plastic chair in my sandals watching the world go by as I wait. Like a turtle, returning to its home shores to lay a motherlode of eggs, year after year after year (what a beautiful analogy).
Life is just one long cover-up strategy, acting out a part you try your best to believe in, trying to remember the script before you mess up your lines. It might seem tired and rotten but, just remember the 'happy' things in those times of deep despair. Deep, deep down, somewhere past the hippocampus.
Find that pot of gold, be it full or simply just faintly fulfilling and hug it tightly, so in the moment of desolation when all around seems bleak and your path is blighted by fiery peril - you can set out firm, square up to it and summon that strength to pull yourself through.
Time to turn the corner, round the edge, cross the drawbridge and bring out the heavy artillery. It's them or me...and if I'm going down, at least I'll go out with a bang. A big one. Explosions always cause fireworks.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Eu thanatos

Let it all be over. Over. Now. Please.

I don't want to ask why
You had to lie and I had to try
To stop the sighs
Because the lies
Make me want to die.

Set that to music; cello music. Play the dirge and let them sing, toll the bells - let them ring - the knell won't tell, heaven or hell but you and I know - we reapeth what we sow....

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Primary end-point

'An Inspector Calls' was great fun, as was the party at Purple. Thanks, chaps - great evening and I didn't really know how badly I 'danced' until then...
Chocolate-covered-Sauternes wine-raisins...absolutely delicious.
I didn't realise it until today when I went to collect a few items from the deserted dressing room and I almost can't believe it's over - but, as with all things, one finds oneself moving so fast just to stand still...work rushes on and life drives by in a whirl that you can't stop. A spinning mega-vortex.
Just remember this: Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wish

Tonight is opening night for 'An Inspector Calls' - looking forward to it very much.

Now, on to the main surtext: What to do if you are miserable, in a rut and can't dig yourself out of it. Speaking from personal experience (no, I'm not dead, but I think it helps to think things through - try to reach a sensible outcome).

Do you ever wish that you could go to bed and die in your sleep - not in a horrible manner - asphyxiation - but rather to just go to bed and have a sudden massive cerebral haemorrhage so that tomorrow morning you don't wake up...? Being able to make that wish means you have to be complacent enough to believe that you'll wake up tomorrow, confident enough that you won't die in any other way and pessimistic enough to feel that it's the only way out. Lying there, with the duvet over you, snug and soundly asleep...then bang - life's over and that's it. No more worries. No more problems. No more. None. Nothing. Sure, you won't have the *happy times* but at least you won't have to deal with the inevitable...the looming... it'll all be over and even though you know that you've selfishly taken the cop-out method and left a nasty mess for somebody else to clear up - it won't matter...because you won't be around...as I said before - it'll all be over. Once and for all. Bingo.

The drawback - you have to say goodbye to those you love.

NB - I do NOT advocate suicide. It's bad for you and shows that you're...well... weak and confused and you need help.

I suppose, though, as I head to bed that right now, that a haemorrhage wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least if a lovely big one came along to finish me off quickly (and, hopefully completely painlessly) I wouldn't even have to think about it...oh bliss. Bliss. Bliss. To not have to wake up to face another dreadful day that drags me closer to my grave anyway - utter bliss.

That's pretty bad. I've even lost confidence in being able to tell when I'm trying not to exaggerate...sheesh.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Nadir

1st Man: The wonderful thing about sinking to the lower depths of depression is...that it can't get any worse.
2nd Man: You're forgetting that there are different kinds of inflexion points...remember the curve of y = negative x-cubed? A temporary blip at zero before plummeting even further.
1st Man: Oh. Terrific.
2nd Man: Yeah, I know.
1st Man: Tomorrow's another day, another chance to see the world at play, to play a part and try not to say 'I wish it didn't have to be this way.'
2nd Man: Yesterday was today's regret, the soulless shell you can't forget; just as tonight dies to let another day slip through the net.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Postoperative Mortality

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Why put yourself through the intense pressure of something you can't get out of, something you dislike so intensely with your entire being that you want it to emerge in physical form so you can assault it, stab it, murder it in cold blood? Why force yourself to fight a battle you can't win, day after day, night after night - toiling just for the pleasure of others? I've never considered myself a hedonist, but this just goes far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. The worst nightmare - from which you can't awake. I hate it so much, so so so very much that I can't believe how much I want to get out. There is NO way out. None. None. None at all. I can't get out.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Learning to learn

What a difference a fortnight makes.

I'm wondering about the direction in which the medical profession will head...besides management overhauls, funding debates and ethical dilemmas, what about the two most important factors (in my opinion, anyway) - patient care and science? Will magic bullet cures eliminate the need for surgery and interventional therapies? What about gene therapy, stem cells and tissue engineering? More questions than answers at the moment...

Teaching is all about inspiration. You do as much good by downloading knowledge to students as you do by imparting an attitude that aspires to learn more. That said, you can't really blame them for being such a cynical lot...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Nunc

Six fantastic weeks have finally come to an end and I don't really know what to say. Over a lively dinner last night I discussed with five firm-mates what 'having an impact on somebody's life' actually really means and (if you'll pardon my propensity to exaggerate) I came up with quite probably the best thing I've said in a long while. Now, rather grandly, I paraphrase...
No, you won't feel that a few actions and words over a brief period of time will really have changed you. It doesn't seem like a profound paradigm-shift at the moment but the way you've been changed is deeper than that - some day in the future you will be a different person because of this; your behaviour towards others will echo its influence on your life and you will effect the same change on others that this has had on you.

I know that I probably won't understand (for a long time, at least) the true reason that people use the phrase "the good doctor X" but I think I've had my first inkling.
Yeah, I'm getting all bolshy now, but what the heck - we're more than the sum of our parts, aren't we?

I shall really miss that firm.

Today is October 29th, AD 2005. Life is a wonderful thing - one finds a purpose to which one clings, not knowing fully why but believing all the while that it is only in the here and know that it shall be revealed.

JH