Eu thanatos

Let it all be over. Over. Now. Please.

I don't want to ask why
You had to lie and I had to try
To stop the sighs
Because the lies
Make me want to die.

Set that to music; cello music. Play the dirge and let them sing, toll the bells - let them ring - the knell won't tell, heaven or hell but you and I know - we reapeth what we sow....

Primary end-point

'An Inspector Calls' was great fun, as was the party at Purple. Thanks, chaps - great evening and I didn't really know how badly I 'danced' until then...
Chocolate-covered-Sauternes wine-raisins...absolutely delicious.
I didn't realise it until today when I went to collect a few items from the deserted dressing room and I almost can't believe it's over - but, as with all things, one finds oneself moving so fast just to stand still...work rushes on and life drives by in a whirl that you can't stop. A spinning mega-vortex.
Just remember this: Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Wish

Tonight is opening night for 'An Inspector Calls' - looking forward to it very much.

Now, on to the main surtext: What to do if you are miserable, in a rut and can't dig yourself out of it. Speaking from personal experience (no, I'm not dead, but I think it helps to think things through - try to reach a sensible outcome).

Do you ever wish that you could go to bed and die in your sleep - not in a horrible manner - asphyxiation - but rather to just go to bed and have a sudden massive cerebral haemorrhage so that tomorrow morning you don't wake up...? Being able to make that wish means you have to be complacent enough to believe that you'll wake up tomorrow, confident enough that you won't die in any other way and pessimistic enough to feel that it's the only way out. Lying there, with the duvet over you, snug and soundly asleep...then bang - life's over and that's it. No more worries. No more problems. No more. None. Nothing. Sure, you won't have the *happy times* but at least you won't have to deal with the inevitable...the looming... it'll all be over and even though you know that you've selfishly taken the cop-out method and left a nasty mess for somebody else to clear up - it won't matter...because you won't be around...as I said before - it'll all be over. Once and for all. Bingo.

The drawback - you have to say goodbye to those you love.

NB - I do NOT advocate suicide. It's bad for you and shows that you're...well... weak and confused and you need help.

I suppose, though, as I head to bed that right now, that a haemorrhage wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least if a lovely big one came along to finish me off quickly (and, hopefully completely painlessly) I wouldn't even have to think about it...oh bliss. Bliss. Bliss. To not have to wake up to face another dreadful day that drags me closer to my grave anyway - utter bliss.

That's pretty bad. I've even lost confidence in being able to tell when I'm trying not to exaggerate...sheesh.

Nadir

1st Man: The wonderful thing about sinking to the lower depths of depression is...that it can't get any worse.
2nd Man: You're forgetting that there are different kinds of inflexion points...remember the curve of y = negative x-cubed? A temporary blip at zero before plummeting even further.
1st Man: Oh. Terrific.
2nd Man: Yeah, I know.
1st Man: Tomorrow's another day, another chance to see the world at play, to play a part and try not to say 'I wish it didn't have to be this way.'
2nd Man: Yesterday was today's regret, the soulless shell you can't forget; just as tonight dies to let another day slip through the net.

Postoperative Mortality

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Why put yourself through the intense pressure of something you can't get out of, something you dislike so intensely with your entire being that you want it to emerge in physical form so you can assault it, stab it, murder it in cold blood? Why force yourself to fight a battle you can't win, day after day, night after night - toiling just for the pleasure of others? I've never considered myself a hedonist, but this just goes far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. The worst nightmare - from which you can't awake. I hate it so much, so so so very much that I can't believe how much I want to get out. There is NO way out. None. None. None at all. I can't get out.

Learning to learn

What a difference a fortnight makes.

I'm wondering about the direction in which the medical profession will head...besides management overhauls, funding debates and ethical dilemmas, what about the two most important factors (in my opinion, anyway) - patient care and science? Will magic bullet cures eliminate the need for surgery and interventional therapies? What about gene therapy, stem cells and tissue engineering? More questions than answers at the moment...

Teaching is all about inspiration. You do as much good by downloading knowledge to students as you do by imparting an attitude that aspires to learn more. That said, you can't really blame them for being such a cynical lot...

Nunc

Six fantastic weeks have finally come to an end and I don't really know what to say. Over a lively dinner last night I discussed with five firm-mates what 'having an impact on somebody's life' actually really means and (if you'll pardon my propensity to exaggerate) I came up with quite probably the best thing I've said in a long while. Now, rather grandly, I paraphrase...
No, you won't feel that a few actions and words over a brief period of time will really have changed you. It doesn't seem like a profound paradigm-shift at the moment but the way you've been changed is deeper than that - some day in the future you will be a different person because of this; your behaviour towards others will echo its influence on your life and you will effect the same change on others that this has had on you.

I know that I probably won't understand (for a long time, at least) the true reason that people use the phrase "the good doctor X" but I think I've had my first inkling.
Yeah, I'm getting all bolshy now, but what the heck - we're more than the sum of our parts, aren't we?

I shall really miss that firm.

Today is October 29th, AD 2005. Life is a wonderful thing - one finds a purpose to which one clings, not knowing fully why but believing all the while that it is only in the here and know that it shall be revealed.

JH

Cras...s...tuzumab!

Tomorrow is another day,
When the sad loneliness of today
Brings bitter smiles and happy tears
To wash away those well-worn fears.

Translate from the Magyar...

Hear the cold calls catching the wind, grasping at the nothingness that surrounds it. I'm feeling tired of wishing for a new day to begin; every morning drags the night from its bed and scalds the sunrise with a damp dew that doesn't really smell very nice.
Layouts change and people dither, waiting for a lift that might take them higher; to go up you've got to be at the bottom and it just can't get lower than this.
That lovely word - subarachnoid - or what about 'meninges'...they start to lose their meaning as they swirl around in the mind of a confused medical student who can't seem to decide whether he's actually enjoying the 'high' of drowning in the deep end (he's yet to touch the bottom of the pool) or if that same 'high' is the pre-syncopal warning sign that's actually screaming 'last call - last call - the gate is closing'...
Life is like an electrocardiogram. I never thought in any of my fits of fancy that I'd end up writing this, but here goes. P-wave: that first little bump that tells you something's wrong. QRS-complex: the hundred daggers plunging into your back as you writhe in a puddle. T-wave: cadaveric spasm, rigor mortis. Let's not get into the arrhythmias...

We will not go quietly into the night...

O thou who changest not - grant to him a measure of the grace thou hast given unto me.

I'm beginning to wonder whether self-inflicted stress is worse than exogenous pressure. Either way, one copes.

Two things I've learned so far - nobody knows everything about anything and 58 years old is 'young.'

AVPU nil

So it begins again. The dance that flings us into the good old rhythm of crash & burn. Hurrah for timing. Hurrah for firms. Hurrah for medicine in all its cannulated gory glory. Sound the bleeps. Man the gurneys. Neat.

Guilty, m'lord!

Your honour, my client, the little translucent crab scurried nervously across the beach, oblivious to the heavy tread of footsteps pounding on the sand. I have shown, ladies and gentlemen of the jury that the giant black sandal came squelching down nearby, injuring one delicate leg. Ducking for safety, the crab headed for the waves...until the massive wooden stick came crashing down across its back...prodding it into the waves, flicking and tumbling the little crustacean into the surf. Honourable members of the jury - I beg you to restore some of the wounded pride of this poor animal; insufficient was the hurt caused by the initial assault - the giant stick continued to pry at Mr Crab, forcing him in his injured state into the breaking waves. We do not ask for pity. The grace of the court is not our objective. Indeed, no verdict you return can remove the insult from the injuries that have already been grievously sustained but I beseech you, ladies and gentlemen - restore some small measure of honour and dignity to your fellow crab!

Te..Dium

Horrid. I think Singapore must be one of the few places on earth where's you'll find it faster to walk up/down stairs than use the escalators. These chaps just don't know how to move. No, hot weather doesn't dull the brain - not when you've got sub-zero air-conditioning blasting throughout the underground passageways that quadruple-buttocked people love to block with their wide loads as they stroll along with triple prams at a pace that could barely outrun a chimpanzee in a wheelchair with its brakes locked.
Talk about crowd...the Comex 2005 was quite something...but, as Sartre said - 'Hell is other people'...

Sick, Sick, Sick.

This guy is utterly sick in the head.
An extremist's view of Hurricane Katrina.

Once again, it isn't about whether America's wanton environmental destruction has brought this disaster on the Gulf Coast states; help a nation in need and it will not forget. Like it or not, the Yanks genuinely try to do 'the right thing' (no, I don't like buying into the right-wing media spin, but here goes anyway)... Senor Bush's incompetence at disaster management is proved once again but look here, people - despite the chaotic scenes in Louisiana Americans have mobilised $100 million already. The Aussies and Swiss have given their share; the Japanese have poured in half a million. You see, people, the Yanks don't NEED your money. They have more than enough of their own, but (and I know cliches suck, but never mind) IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS! When your back yard or street is utterly destroyed and you're standing on a rooftop begging the rest of the world for help, I won't hold it against the Americans if their memories are longer than yours and they (finally) choose to sit back, shut up and put their wallets away. C'mon, people...do unto others...
No, these guys aren't angels but it's wrong to demonise them because of some political squabbles. It's called 'petty jealousy'. There are plenty of idiots, morons and imbeciles in America (read: G.W.Bush) but, like anywhere else, there are plenty of good people and they deserve some compassion. More than most countries private individuals there are the first to make charitable cash donations and I'd be utterly ashamed if they continued to do so regardless of whether others helped them if we didn't lift a finger at all.

Man, I'm such a nutcase. A virus got into my brain and my cranial interior is now a glazed doughnut (no, Lorenzo, it's scone as in 'gone' not scone as in 'own,'). I think I'll go commit myself right now...

Hurricane Katrina

My sincere and heartfelt condolences to all those affected by this natural disaster. A pity they gave it such a nice name.

Just a short message of support to those Americans out there...oh yes - I sometimes think of myself as a realist, but let's put that to rest for a moment. These people deserve some respect and hope.

I hope all the Americans out there know that we're with them all the way on this one. People might not agree with the war in Iraq or other US actions but, truth be told the USA deserves the solid support of everybody else when innocent lives are lost. Americans were generous with their time, support and money when the tsunami struck Asia and it's high time a like measure of solidarity was returned to the USA. So, America, know that you are not alone!
I haven't heard many condolences from 'world leaders' (okay, the Queen sent a 'message of shock') but it seems most people care more about the effects on the price of gas than the suffering people of the South-East USA. (S.E.Asia, S.E.USA - what's the difference - besides money - they're people, we're people and you don't refuse a helping hand when your fellow man is down and out).
Many people assume that the world's richest nation can fend for itself but what goes around comes around and you reap what you sow - we should never forget that it is the poor in any country who suffer most from such terrible tragedies - lives are wrecked and families ruined. Just because it's happened to a mighty country doesn't mean a helping hand can't be offered; I truly hope you manage to pull through this one and wish that the rest of the world would sit up for just a moment and wish you good luck and lend a helping hand. Oh yes - don't be too proud to accept it, for a simple token of goodwill and friendship does not merely repay the kindness Americans have offered to others in the past - instead, it says 'brother, when you're in trouble, don't despair, I'll be there, so lean on me.'

JH

Time to kowtow

Bamber Gascoigne's 'A Brief History of the Dynasties of China' was a good read. Especially in the light of EU vs China trade 'negotiations'...you see, people - it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and 'fair is foul and foul is fair'...so I suppose payback's a rather bitter pill to swallow. The world didn't lift a finger when the Summer Palace was pillaged; as long as Qing dynasty bronze sculptures keep coming up for auction I'm pretty sure we'll just see more of the same. Yes, yes - forgive and forget - let the sins of the past not be visited on those who dwell in the present; but that's not quite the same when you look at the Chinese time frame. EU central bankers think in terms of fiscal quarters; Chinese emperors plan for the next century...so let's do the right thing and allow the engine of laissez-faire economics to hum along nicely.

Heartfelt sympathies to the suffering people of New Orleans...brace yourself for Hurricane Katrina, folks...that looks like one hell of a storm.

Mekong

Mekong
Originally uploaded by Jason Ho.

Ta Prohm 2

Ta Prohm 2
Originally uploaded by Jason Ho.

Choeung Ek Memorial Centre

Choeung Ek Memorial Centre
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Central/New Market

Central/New Market
Originally uploaded by Chicken #001.